IQ Cordless TENS & EMS Massager

A lot of people ask us, “How do you write such excellent, factually correct, well-edited, factually correct descriptions of your products?” So today we’re giving you a special behind-the-scenes look into the Meh product description process. Let’s find out how the proverbial sausage is made so you become disgusted by the process and never eat proverbial sausage again!

First we look at the product name: IQ Cordless TENS & EMS Massager. Wow. OK. We’re pretty sure “TENS” massagers are those electronic things you strap to your body that make your muscles twitch. But not sure about “EMS” nor the brand “IQ.” So …

Next we visit the official manufacturer page for the product. Looks like they’re calling it a “butterfly massager,” but that name didn’t stick. Maybe customers thought it was meant to reduce stress in butterflies instead of humans. Who knows.

It looks like they’ve got some pictures of the massager applied to (or photoshopped on) a model, though the thumbnails are tiny:

Maybe we can zoom for a better … GOOD GOD

What kind of sick prank is this?? Who was in charge of — oh, wait. That’s just a zoomed in picture of the model’s belly button. The zoom-on-hover function on iqmassager.com provides a pore-level view, which makes it nearly impossible to get a good look at the product:

Well, let’s try to keep this exclusive peek behind the curtain moving. Next we’ll check the list price to see what kind of deal we’re — BWAHAHAHA

$399?? For this thing??? We love a good inflated savings-off-list-price as much as the next deal-a-day site, but that’s just silly.

Well, we’ve got a long way to go before we actually write a description for this product, so we can’t stay on the manufacturer page much longer. Let’s just check the product description they provide and re-tool them for our bullet points. Here they are:

GET MASSAGE WHEREVER YOU GO WITH THE CORDLESS BUTTERFLY TENS & EMS MASSAGER.
IT SOOTHES MUSCLES AND JOINTS TO RELIEVE EVEN CHRONIC BACK PAIN AND OFFERS. FREE OF WIRES, IT IS SIMPLE AND EASY TO USE. THIS MASSAGER CONVENIENTLY PORTABLE AND USES THE SAME TECHNOLOGY AND OFFERS THE SAME BENEFITS OF SIMILAR TREATMENTS USED BY DOCTORS AND PHYSICAL THERAPISTS.

This is just … what? For starters, WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT US ABOUT YOUR STRESS-RELIEVING PRODUCT? I’m already stressed out trying to get through this. And that second bullet point — hoo boy — it’s like somebody used Google Translate, then copied and pasted incorrectly, then tried to remedy their botched copy and paste job by grabbing a random segment of the text and inserting it in a random place. Hoo. Boy.

Well it’s fun to criticize silly websites but we’ve got a product description to write here, so …

Wait, sorry. @dave is telling me that I need to wrap this up, and that I’ve already written way, way more about this TENS massager than anybody wants to read. So it’s time to end this backstage pass to the Meh writing process. PLEASE BUY THIS PRODUCT ITS RELIEVES SORE JOINTS CHRONIC PAIN OK BYE BYE NOW TREATMENTS USED BY DOCTORS.

Features

Looking for a way to relieve stress and pain by Transcutaneously using Electricity to, say, give your Nerves some Stimulation? Look no further
It’s an FDA Class II certified device, which you are free to google and read up on like we just did
Oh, also it’s wireless, unlike most of these thingamabobs, so you can stimulate those nerves anywhere
Conveniently shaped like a butterfly to cover your unfortunate lower-back butterfly tattoo
The list price is a hilarious $399 but it sells elsewhere for about $50
Model: none (well, maybe IQ_Cordless_Butterfly_Massager but that doesn’t meet our very low bar for what qualifies as a model number)