Goofus buys binoculars with the highest magnification possible.
Gallant knows that you’ll never see a bird through shaky, ultra-magnification binoculars.
Goofus doesn’t care if his binoculars are waterproof — he’s not taking them scuba diving
Gallant’s waterproof binoculars remain fog-free in the rain, and he doesn’t worry about dropping them in a puddle
Goofus is sick of being wrong all the time, as he has been for 80 years
Gallant is a pretty self-satisfied, smug little turd when you think about it
Goofus reads a Wirecutter article about consumer binoculars, to finally put Gallant in his place
Gallant buys these Barska crossover waterproof binoculars and calls it a day
Goofus learns that new binoculars feature roof prisms, which draw the light directly through the lenses, rather than bounce them around
Gallant goes birdwatching and differentiates a Bohemian Waxwing from a Cedar Waxwing
Goofus learns that The Wirecutter considers their pick, a $290 pair, “amazingly affordable”
Gallant invests the money he saved by purchasing these Barska binoculars on Meh rather than these “amazingly affordable” ones in a low-fee index fund, yielding him an estimated $1,800 over 30 years.
Goofus buys the $290 pair and gets ready to rub it in Gallant’s face that he was finally thoughtful, well-informed, and patient in his decision-making
Gallant looks through his pair and Goofus’s pair and decides he can’t really tell the difference, but he’s impressed that Gallant spent so much of his free time learning about the intricacies of consumer optics.
Goofus gets depressed, buys a pint of ice cream, and binge-watches Riverdale. He’ll never win.