Today we’re excited to announce a new feature. One that we’ve been working on for decades. One that you’ve probably heard rumors about. One that will change the course of our customers’ lives, our own lives, and the fate of our civilization as a whole.
Ladies and gentlemen — starting today, right here on Meh.com, you’ll be able to pick your own Two-For-Tuesday combinations.
Pause for rapturous applause.
Whoops. I wasn’t supposed to read that.
For years, humanity has been trapped. Trapped by the arbitrary style and color combination of their Two-For-Tuesday two-packs on Meh.com. But today we free humanity from their shackles.
Many said this day would never come. The technology necessary was too complex — the challenges too great. We didn’t let that stop us. We let it fuel us. To create an online shopping experience unlike anything the world had ever seen … on Meh.com.
Imagine waking up, drinking your coffee, checking Meh.com, seeing that it’s a Two-For-Tuesday event, remembering that it is Tuesday, reminding yourself that it’s garbage day, refocusing your attention on Meh.com, deciding to buy the deal, clicking the “Buy It” button, trying to choose which combination of styles you want, clicking back out of the pop-up to look at the pictures, clicking the “Buy It” button again, clicking the “Want another?” button, choosing your styles, updating your credit card information, and checking out.
It’s really that simple.
Critics throw the word “hype” around a lot when they talk about our product launches, as well as “exaggeration” and “hyperbole.” We couldn’t agree more. This new Two-For-Tuesday feature is truly hyperbolic.
What are we selling today? It doesn’t matter. Stadium blankets or some shit. We don’t even know what "stadium blankets” are. But we know you’ll be able to pick the combination that’s right for you. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is progress.
Bow your head graciously during standing ovation.