Oh, The Humanity!
To put it simply: today, we are selling a 2-pack of bidets.
But there is nothing simple about this sale, really. These non-electric, self-cleaning units might be easy to install and equally easy to use. But their essence is not so easy to distill. To do so would require us to fully confront the bidet’s purpose, which itself would be to confront what makes us human.
Because if there is one part of us that best exemplifies our humanity, it is the butthole.
“Ah, but Meh,” you might be thinking, “What about the mind? Is not it our greatest human feature? It gives us art. It gives us philosophy. It gives us empathy. It allows us collaboration. What say you to that?”
We say this: these things are great, sure, but they are only possible once the butthole has been tended to.
Consider the artist at the easel completing their masterwork (or sketching out a design for our new shirt site, Mediocritee). Would they not throw down their brush at once, were their butthole to cry out for release? The same goes for the philosopher and the friend helping one through a hard time. As for the point of collaboration, we might argue that each painting of each great peace treaty is itself nothing more than a portrait of buttholes that have been given their rightful respect.
This is why we build them great porcelain thrones, with ergonomic seats that give the butthole both freedom and privacy all at once.
Yet, when the butthole is finished with its work, what is there for it?
Mere paper!
What a cruel punchline! What an unnecessary punishment for the fulcrum of our civilized bodies! The hand is given a sink. The head is given a shower. The eyes are given healing drops. And the butthole is given a dry square of tree pulp. It is simply unacceptable!
For this reason, you not only should but must purchase this 2-pack of bidets: not only for the sake of hygiene, but out of respect for all of humankind.
