Are you ever in luck.
Day in, day out, you’re subjected to our signature brand of anti-salespersonship. It’s different from what you get at other retailers. Other retailers overpromise. They hype. They appeal to their customers’ irrational impulses. Their perfect paying customer feels like s/he’s GOT TO HAVE THIS THING, whatever it is.
Meanwhile, we’re out here tamping down expectations. We’re not asking you to fall in love with a product. We’re asking you to make a calculated compromise about it. We’re like a matchmaker setting up singles in their 40s. What, you want to be wowed? Nah. Our perfect paying customer is more like: “At this price, this thing will be fine.”
It’s an approach that works for us. It suits our inventory. It’s who we are. But life isn’t all insensate reasoning on the Spock side of the brain. Peoples gotta feel sometimes – even bean-countin’, deal-evaluatin’, number-crunchin’ peoples like us. For our own sake and yours, it sure would be fun to be able whip our crowd into a blind buying frenzy once in a while.
Fortunately for us — and for you, whose need for raw, animal passion we’ve long neglected — the DualSaw we’re selling today was once hawked by the Amadeus of appealing to the amygdala: the late, legendary pitchman Billy Mays.
Watch this infomercial and let the excitement course through your body! Feel the pure, unreasoning WANT a master pitchman inspires! Submit to the throes of buygasm! I mean, honestly — they cut a goddamned car in half.
Cripes, it’s exhilarating. You want a DualSaw now!
You kind of wanted one already, though. If you’re like us, a little bit of power-tool-lust has been building inside you ever since you first glimpsed the product photo. You’re thinking of all the home improvement and small-scale demolition projects a DualSaw could help you complete.
But also if you’re like us, you default to that Meh mode of dispassionate evaluation. And, in a difficult moment of honesty with yourself, you admit your DualSaw project list is like… three projects. And one of them is a clothesline-post removal at a friend’s house. Which is not even your project. And it already happened last summer. So, even though it would have been way easier with a DualSaw, it’s too late to use one now.
Crap. You don’t really need one of these. Cold reason dumps cold water on yet another smouldering desire to buy something you just know would bring you joy. Such restraint! How responsible of you! How grown-up! How sad. This is why you’ve never really and truly fallen in love, you know.
BUT WAIT, as William Darrell “Billy” Mays Jr. might have said at this point. Because he had a technique to help bring retail-therapeutic happiness even to reluctant customers like you (and us), whose nature was to deny it to themselves.
He’d wow 'em with a surprisingly reasonable price. A price low enough that when your lizard brain started going WANT WANT WANT, your sober cerebral side could answer: “Sure, why not?”
And hey, charismatic pitchpeople we may not be. But pricing a thing attractively? We can do that. We can do that pretty darned good.
