Worst-Date-Night-Ever Kit

I felt him slide up behind me and place his strong, rough hands on mine.

“Like this, no?” He said in that unmistakably … foreign accent. “You must feel the spirit of love guiding your hands.”

We kneaded the ball of candy corn as though our hands were one. The ball become a molten mass of indistinguishable candy in the heat of our passion. I closed my eyes in rapture, and when they opened I saw that the candy corn had been shaped into the perfect form of a rose. I gasped.

“No, no. It is nothing next to you.” He said, pressing his unshaven, non-Northern-European cheek against mine. His fingers brushed against my lips, down my neck, across my shoulders, and down my back. “Look,” he said. And twisted to the side and saw that there, on the small of my back, he had adhered a temporary tattoo. It was a butterfly. Or maybe a chain. It was hard to see, for he had dimmed the lights.

Or so I thought! I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and saw that he had placed sunglasses over my eyes, and his as well. “Your beauty shines too bright for the nude eye. It is like … how to say … eclipse?” My stomach fluttered at his poor grasp of the English language.

“I have a present for you, my sweet love dream.” He kneeled down. My stomach fluttered again. “Underneath my hat.” I grasped the brim of that large floppy hat he always wore and peeled it back, half excited and half terrified at what this meant. I found … another hat, identical to the first.

“Under that hat, as well,” he said. I pulled the second hat off to find two mugs, shaped like pineapples, resting atop his perfectly shaped skull. Their contents fizzed. “It is … how to say … Martinelli’s sparkling apple juice.”

I gasped. We embraced. We fell to the floor in a passionate heap — the mugs, the juice, the hats, the temporary tattoos, and the rose-shaped mass of melted candy corn.


  • 2 bags of (likely melted) candy corn, 2 packs of (70) temporary metallic tattoos, 2 big floppy sun hats, 2 pairs of sunglasses, and 2 pineapple-shaped mugs
  • Are you as turned on as we are?
  • No? OK, you should still buy this bundle, though
  • Please?
  • Fine
  • But you’re missing out on the date of a lifetime
  • Model: None (We don’t want to make this bundle too easy to search for online or it will sell out immediately. Gotta save the good stuff for the fans, you know?)



Candy Corn

  • Ingredients: sugar, corn syrup, confectioner’s glaze, salt, honey, dextrose, artificial flavor, gelatin, titanium dioxide color, yellow 6, yellow 5, red 3, blue 1, sesame oil
  • Total carbohydrates: 36g (12% daily value)
  • Sugars: 32g
  • Sodium: 70mg (3% daily value)
  • Calories: 140
  • Best If Sold By January 2018


  • Designs include bracelets, armbands, ankle bracelets, earrings, rings, and charms
  • Comes with both shimmering gold and silver tattoos
  • Made of waterproof material that lasts 4-6 days. Removes easily with baby oil


  • Protect your eyes from the sun’s deadly deadly UV rays
  • Lots of styles, some of them don’t look half-bad


  • Floppy straw hats great for spring and summer
  • Protects you from the sun
  • Complements most outfits
  • Contrasting white stripes for added style
  • Care instructions: spot clean with a damp cloth
  • 23.5” in circumference around the head
  • 16” wide brim front to back

Pineapple Mugs

  • Ceramic with rose gold plating
  • 3.75 inches diameter x 4.5 inches high

What’s in the Box?

2x Sunglasses
2x Packs of tattoos
2x Pineapple mugs
2x Bags of candy corn
2x Sun hats

Estimated Delivery Date

FedEx SmartPost: Tuesday, June 26th - Monday, July 2nd

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